And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say.
“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?”
“Yes, you can,” He replied
With confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.”
“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
“I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say…
‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.’
“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
it’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!”
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL MOMMIES!
So this is how it feels to miscarry
So this is how it feels to say goodbye when you did not even had the chance to say hello
So this is how it feels to love someone whom you will never get to meet
So this is how it feels to try to cancel your hopes, dreams and plans
So this is how it feels to be deliriously happy and then be suddenly indescribably sad
So this is how it feels to prepare yourself for bad news but actually hearing it still felt like a dementor attack
So this is how it feels to hold back the tears when your heart feels like exploding because the doctor still need to take some measurements, because you still need to wait for the report, because the cashier is 5 floors down
So this is how it feels to thank God profusely for granting your prayers and then weeks after desperately asking Him to make the pain more bearable
So this is how it feels to not want to and not know how to answer, “How are you?”
I am sorry, baby Emily.
If there is something I should not have done but did ,
If there is something I should have done that didn’t,
I am sorry.
I am so sorry.
I am sorry I will never get to hold you
I am sorry I will never get to see you coo, smile, laugh and say Mama for the first time
I am sorry I will never get to brush your hair or see you blissfully get dizzy as you spin in your whirly twirly dress
I am sorry I will never get to bring you to our breakfast picnics at the church parking lot
I am sorry i will never get to read to you the not-your-ordinary princess books that I have been secretly collecting even before Dadoy and I planned to have another baby
I am sorry I will never get to look at the 2014 family Christmas photo and say, “She was still so small here”.
I am sorry I will never get to do the many things I was looking forward to us doing together
I say goodbye to documenting my growing belly and finally introducing you to the world
I say goodbye to the plans of dressing you up as baby Princess Leia on a boring day
I say goodbye to the bahay kubo where you were supposed to spend countless hours with your Ate Raya
I say goodbye to the hand sewn baby dresses and ruffled diaper covers that I was going to make for you
I say goodbye to making “Go Aki!” banners with you for Kuya Aki’s jujitsu competitions
I say goodbye to our first Divisoria trip together when you reach your tenth birthday
I say goodbye to the priceless expression on your face when I tell you that I got us tickets to the concert of your favorite boy band
I wish you had the chance to meet your daddy. He is playful but firm. He will annoy you for his own entertainment, teach you things that I do not approve of and scoop you up and hug you tight when you are feeling low.
I wish you had the chance to meet your Kuya Aki. He was so looking forward to meeting you. He will make you be-not-sad-anymore invisible popcorn whenever he sees that you need some cheering up.
Well at least now, I can go to Megamall and learn how to ice skate with Aki and not worry if I fall.
I can now have that Thai massage that my body has been begging for.
Now I can run again. I surprised myself when I enjoyed my runs with Franco. Now we can run and run and run and not care.
At least now I don’t have to deal with the discomforts that come with pregnancy.
I won’t be a zombie again as I pacify with a crying infant at 2AM.
Whoever said changing soiled diapers is fun, must be mental.
Unsafe sharp corners, picky eating, public tanrums and terrible twos. I won’t have to go thru all those anymore.
My life will go back to normal
But normal is not what I want.
Goodbye my sweet little angel. Goodbye.
PS I wrote this the day after we found out.
I did not want to post this initially. I try to veer away from posts that are too personal or are too depressing. This post is both. But when it was most painful, what helped me was reading other women’s experiences about their own miscarriage. If you are a grieving mother-to-be, tight tight hugs to you. The pain will not be there forever.
And in case you are wondering, I am feeling better. Much better. Not okay but better than days ago. I actually had not cried for 2 days until my friend Cye asked me earlier, “How are you?”
Please include me in your prayers. I just want to move one with my life but I still have to go thru some lab tests and possibly some treatments related to the failed pregnancy.
🙂 😦 🙂 😦
BIG BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO READ, PRAYED, COMMENTED, EMAILED, SENT MESSAGES VIA FACEBOOK OR SMS, OR EVEN BAKED CUPCAKES TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. SUPER THANK YOU!
If you have been reading this online diary long enough, you probably already know that I am obsessed with family traditons. I like the idea of doing the same thing over and over until simple acts become treasured family memories. One of our birthday traditions is taking Aki’s annual birthday photos.
It took at least 20 attempts to get this shot.
He’s getting better at ruining a what could had been a great group picture.
Proof that I have a big boy: We don’t bring a diaper bag anymore. We used to bring 101 items whenever we go out. Now, on days when I am not feeling lazy, I bring 5 things – foldable fan, water, extra shirt, towel/lampin for his back, and a damp towel. When my bag is small or is already full, I leave the water and the fan. Still using wipes? Try bringing a damp towel sometime. It is cheaper, earth-friendly and better at wiping sticky hands and faces. The capsule which often comes with a towel in it, is widely available.
Aki is taking his big boyhood to heart. Whenever we enter any building that has guards, he always go to the queue for males and does not move until the guard has inspected him.
Dragons are his current obsession. He even saw a dragon up high in the sky lately.
One of the stories that my mom always tells about my childhood is how embarrassed she was when she apologized to the parents of a kid I slapped on the face. Now, I understand how truly embarrassing that is. My neighbor and sister in law, Mae, was telling me how Aki misbehaved in their house. It was one offense after another. It felt like a never ending “but wait there’s more” tale. Mae was not upset at all. She just wanted to let me know what happened. The next day, I made Aki write an apology letter.
This is not the first time that we apologized. The first incident happened with a stranger sometime in March. Aki and I were in Ceelin’s, a bakery in BF. I was waiting for my relatives. Aki went up to me and said that the other kid in the store was not dancing the Gangnam dance properly. Instead of arms forming an X, the kid’s hands were together. Aki was obviously bothered. I just told him that it is okay and let the kid be. While I was looking out the window, Aki approached the kid and tried to teach him the correct position of the arms. The kid, who was probably less than 2 years old, did not mind Aki and turned around. Then, it looked like Aki tried to slap the kid’s back. The kid cried. Oooooooooooooh shooot! From my angle, Aki did not mean any harm. He just wanted to call the kid’s attention again. Of course, that was not how the other kid’s family saw it. From the kid’s family, I mean mommy, daddy, lolo, lola, tito, tita and cousins, basing on their gasps and piercing looks, they thought Aki was their little prince’s first bully. I really could not blame them. I’d feel the same way if I were in their shoes. I did not dare explain to them Aki’s side. The grandma looked really upset. I needed reinforcements but hubby stayed in the house because of our LQ and my relatives were nowhere to be found. My brain froze for half a second. Then, I quickly apologized to the mom, removed Aki from the scene and spoke to Aki in private about what happened. He was also in shock because he did not mean to make the boy cry but he was also still upset that the boy was not doing the dance right. Even though there was nowhere for us to go, we left. About an hour after, we saw the kid again in church. Aki was in a better mood. So were the boy’s parents. The scary lola was not around anymore. We went to the parents and apologized again. This time, it was Aki who personally said “I’m sorry po.” The mom who looked surprised by the gesture, replied, “Aaaaw. It’s okay. (looking at me) Ganun naman talaga ang mga bata, diba? (looking at Aki) What is your name?”.
So all is well in the end but Aki, if you are reading this, you still owe me big time!!
Let’s move on to happier, less traumatizing thoughts, shall we?
I got to hoard 4 pillows last night. I did not wake up because of an accidental headbutt or kick. I did not have to check if someone is about to roll off the bed. I got to cuddle my husband without anyone getting jealous. Instead of reading children’s books at night, I now have more time to blog. I can blog in the morning without worrying if the brightness of the laptop screen will wake someone up. And because there won’t be anyone who will excitedly welcome me home until next week, I don’t need to rush leaving work.
Aki has been away for 7 hours and I miss him oh so terribly already. I had been prepping him up for weeks but I forgot to prepare myself to waking up without him. Last night, my mom and my sister picked up Aki for his weeklong vacation in Bayog. I am sure he will have lots of fun. His favorite cousins are there. My aunt from London and my cousin and my nephew arrived last night. For sure, it will be a week of festivities in Bayog. When Aki saw his cousins last night, he could not wait to leave the house and join them in the van. When I told him for the last time that I will miss him, he just said, “Iz okay. Call me back”.
I called him already but I still miss him. I miss his morning greet. He always says, “Goo moning, Mummy! Sunny day na. Wake up”. When I walk to the village gate, I will miss holding his little hand. I wish I could fast forward to Friday.
To make me miss him even more, I am posting here pictures that I keep forgeting to blog about.
..in this family.
I have a recent realization. Thanks to Brooke Burkes. In an interview with Ladie’s Home Journal, Brooke said ” I am just as important as everyone else in this family” . She has a point. When I read that line, I told myself that I need to be the next Brooke. Haha.
Last Wednesday, I found myself crying the whole day. Actually, as soon as Nurse Jaypee, told Aki to take care of himself, I suddenly felt like crying. Maybe because I have been faking courage for several days. I can not show Aki that I am dying inside seeing him sick with a dextrose. The only time I had to have an IV was when I gave birth. Prior to that I was never confined in a hospital. I felt soooo guilty. It did no help that I was not exactly the best person to care for my boy as I just came from a 3-day flu.
I am normally a panicky person but when we got the postive dengue results up to the family picture we had outside Aki’s room before we left the hospital, I was surprisingly calm. I cry at the slightlest emotion, positive or negative. When Aki was in the hospital, I did not consciously hold back the tear. There were no tears. I tried to keep the mood inside the hospital room light and cheery.
However, as soon as we said good bye to the nurses, I started feeling overwhelmed. I should be happy but I was not. I cried a bit when we reached the parking lot. My oh so sweet husband started mocking me. He is sweet in his own annoying way. So after that short dramafest, no more tears again. I still was sad but not sad enough to cry.
It was when I returned to work that I got flooded with emotions. I felt guilty, overwhelmed, helpless, unappreciated, sad , pity for myself, you name it. I know I am stressed when I wake up at 3AM and can not stop thinking. That was the case since we left the hospital. I felt guilty for leaving Aki. If I were the one who sends him to school everyday, I would be able to tell him which potentially sick classmates to avoid. Or maybe, I could ensure that he always has anti mosquito lotion on him. As expected, I had hundreds of emails, 500 of them not including the announcements. I wanted to go home early but that was impossible, I felt guilty for the work that I passed on to Rosie. I felt terrible for not making sure that everything was taken cared of while I was on leave. Even if I could, I did not check my office emails while we were in the hospital because I did not want any additional stress. If I only did a quick scan, maybe there would be less follow ups. I was a walking emotional wreck. I felt like I were a terrible mother and even a worse employee. I tried to avoid anyone who might ask how I was. But when my kumarseng Ebbie cornered me and asked me to tell her what happened in the almost two weeks that I was out, hala! I cried and cried and cried. I think I cried inconsolably for 1.5 hour. I cried so much that I could not breathe anymore. Maybe that was just what I needed, a no-holds-bar good cry. I felt better, not good but still better, after that emo moment. Continue reading “I am just as important as everyone else..”
For Southerns like us, a trip to Quezon City entails a lot of negotiations, seduction and begging with the driver. I know my husband too well. The last time we were in QC was for our SSS ID application back in 2009. We did not even bring a car. We took a cab because he did not want the stress of being stuck in traffic and the hassle of looking for parking. I get where he is coming from. But since it is Mother’s Day, he had to say yes to my request to a field trip to QC Circle, Manila Seedling and UP Diliman. Thank God for husbands who agree to long drives on Mother’s Day.
The first activities for the day were playing, biking and breakfast at the Quezon City Circle. We left the house at 6AM and got there before 7AM. We could have been there earlier if it was not traffic in EDSA (
and if hubby listened to me that C5 is the way to go). As soon as we got there, we were greeted by loud aerobics music. This made me really nostalgic. On my very last day as a UP resident, the day that my mom rented a van and picked me up and my boxes from Ilang-ilang Dormitory, Xtianne, Jan (my Elbi friends who also studied in UP Diliman) and I , went to QC Circle and danced with the oldies. Good times.
Anyhoo, since I was with a kid, I could not join the aerobics party even if I really wanted to. As soon as Aki saw the entrance to Circle of Fun, the public playground, he ran off.
If I were a kid, I would have done the same thing. Who can resist these?
Nice, eh? Way to go Mayor Bistek for giving the playground a makeover! I wish we have something as nice as Circle of Fun in Paranaque.
If you look closely at the structures, you will see that they are not exactly squeaky clean, especially the undersides.
But for a public playground, I must say, the QC government is doing a good job. Just bring alcohol, wet wash cloth or wipes to disinfect your children’s hands after playing. The comfort rooms were not so bad too. On any given day, I would be more than willing to pay 3 pesos for a clean toilet than use a dirty one for free.
Aside from the playground, another attraction in the Circle is the bike lane.
Several friends and family have been telling us us that Aki seems tall for his age. Because I don’t know a lot of kids his age, I had no idea if he is within or above the usual the usual range. This was until last last Saturday when we went to Dra Saulog’s clinic to have Aki’s cough checked. While waiting for our turn, I thought I’d plot Aki’s weight and height in the chart. Interestingly, Aki’s height is indeed 2 centimeters above the normal range for his age. I am not sure if it is the Cherifer, his regained appetite or my genes. My male cousins are all tall. The shortest stands at 5’11. The tallest is 6’4.
Plotting Aki’s height and weight in the chart, made me realize how much I have changed as a mother in the last 2.5 years. I used to eagerly update the chart everytime we had a check up. Now, if I had not been bored, I would have forgotten that these pages in Aki’s baby book exist. I am no longer the praning, online shopping-addict, superbaby-wanting mom that I used to be.