So this is how it feels to miscarry

So this is how it feels to miscarry
So this is how it feels to say goodbye when you did not even had the chance to say hello
So this is how it feels to love someone whom you will never get to meet
So this is how it feels to try to cancel your hopes, dreams and plans
So this is how it feels to be deliriously happy and then be suddenly indescribably sad
So this is how it feels to prepare yourself for bad news but actually hearing it still  felt like a dementor attack
So this is how it feels to hold back the tears when your heart feels like exploding because the doctor still need to take some measurements, because you still need to wait for the report, because the cashier is 5 floors down
So this is how it feels to thank God profusely for granting your prayers and then weeks after desperately asking Him to make the pain more bearable
So this is how it feels to not want to and not know how to answer, “How are you?”

I am sorry, baby Emily.
If there is something I should not have done but did ,
If there is something I should have done that didn’t,
I am sorry.
I am so sorry.

I am sorry I will never get to hold you
I am sorry I will never get to see you coo, smile, laugh and say Mama for the first time
I am sorry I will never get to brush your hair  or see you blissfully get dizzy as you spin in your whirly twirly dress
I am sorry I will never get to bring you to our breakfast picnics at the church parking lot
I am sorry i will never get to read to you the not-your-ordinary princess books that I have been secretly collecting even before Dadoy and I planned to have another baby
I am sorry I will never get to look at the 2014 family Christmas photo and say, “She was still so small here”.
I am sorry I will never get to do the many things I was looking forward to us doing together

I say goodbye to documenting my growing belly and finally introducing you to the world
I say goodbye to the plans of dressing you up as baby Princess Leia on a boring day
I say goodbye to the bahay kubo where you were supposed to spend countless hours with your Ate Raya
I say goodbye to the hand sewn baby dresses and ruffled diaper covers that I was going to make for you
I say goodbye to making “Go Aki!” banners with you for Kuya Aki’s jujitsu competitions
I say goodbye to our first Divisoria trip together when you reach your tenth birthday
I say goodbye to the priceless expression on your face when I tell you that I got us tickets to the concert of your favorite boy band

I wish you had the chance to meet your daddy. He is playful but firm. He will annoy you for his own entertainment, teach you things that I do not approve of and scoop you up and hug you tight when you are feeling low.
I wish you had the chance to meet your Kuya Aki. He was so looking forward to meeting you. He will make you be-not-sad-anymore invisible popcorn whenever he sees that you need some cheering up.

Well at least now, I can go to Megamall and learn how to ice skate with Aki and not worry if I fall.
I can now have that Thai massage that my body has been begging for.
Now  I can run again. I surprised myself when I enjoyed my runs with Franco. Now we can run and run and run and not care.
At least now I don’t have to deal with the discomforts that come with pregnancy.
I won’t be a zombie again as I pacify with a crying infant at 2AM.
Whoever said changing soiled diapers is fun, must be mental.
Unsafe sharp corners, picky eating, public tanrums and terrible twos. I won’t have to go thru all those anymore.

My life will go back to normal

But normal is not what I want.

Goodbye my sweet little angel.  Goodbye.

————–

PS I wrote this the day after we found out.
I did not want to post this initially. I try to veer away from posts that are too personal or are too depressing. This post is both. But when it was most painful, what helped me was reading other women’s experiences about their own miscarriage. If you are a grieving mother-to-be, tight tight hugs to you. The pain will not be there forever.

And in case you are wondering, I am feeling better. Much better. Not okay but better than days ago. I actually had not cried for 2 days until my friend Cye asked me earlier, “How are you?”

Please include me in your prayers. I just want to move one with my life but I still have to go thru some lab tests and possibly some treatments related to the failed pregnancy.

🙂 😦 🙂 😦

———————–

PS II

BIG BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO READ, PRAYED, COMMENTED, EMAILED, SENT MESSAGES VIA FACEBOOK  OR SMS, OR EVEN BAKED CUPCAKES TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. SUPER THANK YOU!

 

Aki’s Summer Project: The Ice Candy Store

Ola!

Yes, I may have lost my blogging mojo but I am logged on to WordPress now because Aki’s summer project is just so cute not to share.

 

So tell me is this sooooo cute or is this so cuuuuuute?

Honestly, if you assign a peso value to the effort in buying the ingredients, the creativity to come up with new flavors, the labor that we put it in to make these babies , and not to mention, the electricity and freezer space, the measly 20 bucks that we earn on a good day is not worth all the hassle. But, seeing Aki beaming with pride every time he makes a sale, is beyond priceless.

Aside from the value of hardwork, we also hope that through this project, Aki will master addition and subtraction.

Update: Top 100 Children’s Books of All Time Collection

Remember my old post? Back then, I think we only had less than 20. Now, we have 55!  Happiness! All except for the I Love You Forever book were from Booksale.

I have a print out of this list in my wallet for easy reference.

ABC3D:  89
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad Day: Judith Viorst and Ray Cruz  7      
Amazing Grace:  86
Animalia: Graeme Base   19
Are You My Mother?:  P.D. Eastman       31     
Bark George     100
Blueberries for Sal:  Robert McCloskey  27
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do You See?        14     
Caps for Sale:  48
Chicka Chicka Boom Boom:        24
Click Clack Moo: Cows That Type: Doreen Cronin  40     
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs: Judy and Ron Barrett         5      
Corduroy:       29     
Counting Kisses 110    
Curious George:         37     
Dear Zoo;       78
Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!: Mo Willems         18
Eleventh Hour: Graeme Base      52
Everyone Poops:  Taro Gomi and Amanda Mayer Stinchecum  21     
Fancy Nancy:  Jane O’Connor     26
Flotsam: T David Wiesner        28
Gallop!: A Scanimation Picture Book: Rufus Butler Seder         65
George and Martha       97     
Go, Dog, Go!: P.D. Eastman      22
Good Night Gorilla      25     
Goodnight Moon  3      
Green Eggs and Ham:  Dr. Seuss  4
Guess How Much I Love You       8      
Harold and the Purple Crayon: Crockett Johnson  15
Have You Filled a Bucket Today: A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids:    94
Hop on Pop: Dr. Seuss   75
How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight?:        67
How I Became a Pirate   84     
How the Grinch Stole Christmas  74     
If You Give a Mouse a Cookie: Laura Joffe Numeroff and Felicia Bond     45     
In the Night Kitchen: Maurice Sendak .  53
Jamberry:       76
Joseph Had a Little Overcoat:   93
Jumanji: Chris Van Allsburg h   38
Kitten’s First Full Moon        79
Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Tale:       77
Library Lion    105
Little Pea      104
Llama Llama Red Pajama  80
Love You Forever        10     
Madeline:       62
Make Way for Ducklings: Robert McCloskey        69
Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel      47     

Mother’s Day Celebration @ Quezon City Memorial Circle

For Southerns like us, a trip to Quezon City entails a lot of negotiations, seduction and begging with the driver. I know my husband too well. The last time we were in QC was for our SSS ID application back in 2009. We did not even bring a car. We took a cab because he did not want the stress of being stuck in traffic and the hassle of looking for parking. I get where he is coming from. But since it is Mother’s Day, he had to say yes to my request to a field trip to QC Circle, Manila Seedling and UP Diliman. Thank God for husbands who agree to long drives on Mother’s Day.

The first activities for the day were playing, biking and breakfast at the Quezon City Circle. We left the house at 6AM and got there before 7AM. We could have been there earlier if it was not traffic in EDSA (and if hubby listened to me that C5 is the way to go). As soon as we got there, we were greeted by loud aerobics music. This made me really nostalgic. On my very last day as a UP resident, the day that my mom rented a van and picked me up and my boxes from Ilang-ilang Dormitory, Xtianne, Jan (my Elbi friends who also studied in UP Diliman) and I ,  went to QC Circle and danced with the oldies. Good times.

Anyhoo, since I was with a kid, I could not join the aerobics party even if I really wanted to. As soon as Aki saw the entrance to Circle of Fun, the public playground, he ran off.

If I were a kid, I would have done the same thing. Who can resist these?

Nice, eh? Way to go Mayor Bistek for giving the playground a makeover! I wish we have something as nice as Circle of Fun in Paranaque.

If you look closely at the structures, you will see that they are not exactly squeaky clean, especially the undersides.

But for a public playground, I must say, the QC government is doing a good job. Just bring alcohol, wet wash cloth or wipes to disinfect your children’s hands after playing. The comfort rooms were not so bad too. On any given day, I would be more than willing to pay 3 pesos for a clean toilet than use a dirty one for free.

Aside from the playground, another attraction in the Circle is the bike lane.

Everything was as fun as I imagined until….

Aki’s Birthday Party was Featured in Apartment Therapy!

I have been a very very very bad lazy blogger.

Aki was sick. Then, I got sick. I am still coughing like a dog. Now,  Franco is sick too. Oh, and our 3rd helper for the year, she left.  The good news is that we are all getting better and we have a new help. Yey! We are now in Elbi for the 5-day long weekend.  But the bestestestest news is that Aki’s 2nd birthday party was featured in Apartment Therapy! Wootie wootie!

Here is the link:

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/best-kids-parties-awesome-letter-a-my-party-168502

A link to my Letter A party posts is in the sidebar, under Party-folio.

Have a Meaningful Lenten Season!

Congratulations to Me!

I just realized that yesterday was my blog’s 2nd birthday. Four hundred forty-four posts, 1800+ comments, 97000 hits, 50+  followers and 8 helpers later, I am still blogging. Hooray for me!
With the exception of my husband, my mother in law, my sister, my niece Jyl, and some officemates, most of my friends and family do not know that this blog exists. Sometimes I am tempted to link my blog to my very inactive Facebook account but then, I ask myself, “why do I want to do that?” Maybe for more hits? While spikes in my hit counter are always welcome, the reason I blog is for documentation’s sake and not for the hits. Maybe for the sake of sharing? But most of Franco and my FB friends ( we share an account), aren’t mothers and will probably find my blog boring. I still haven’t convinced myself if I should share my blog so for now it is still a secret blog. hehe.

(Not Really A) Book Review: You Are My I Love You

 You are my I love you
by Maryann K. Cusimano
Philomel Books, 2001

I am your parent;
you are my child.
I am your quiet place;
you are my wild.

I am your calm face;
you are my giggle.
I am your wait;
you are my wiggle.

I am your carriage ride;
you are my king.
I am your push;
you are my swing.

I am your audience;
you are my clown.
I am your London Bridge;
you are my falling down.

I am your carrot sticks;
you are my licorice.
I am your dandelion;
you are my first wish.

I am your water wings;
you are my deep.
I am your open arms;
you are my running leap.

I am your way home;
you are my new path.
I am your dry towel;
you are my wet bath.

I am your dinner;
you are my chocolate cake.
I am your bedtime;
you are my wide awake.

Aki’s Playroom Gets a Makeover

I have posted this room’s before pictures  here. While it was not so bad then, there were a lot of things that I wish we had and did not have. For one, sometimes the room used to look like Toy Kingdom meets Payatas.

I have edited and edited and edited this room so that
1) Aki won’t get overstimulated anymore
2) Clean up will be easier for Aki and for us
3) The color motif, green and blue, would be more obvious
4) The Filipino theme would be somewhat noticeable

Without further ado, welcome to Aki’s playroom!

This room is really small. I can’t imagine putting a bed here. Maybe, Aki will sleep beside me until he is ready to move out when he is 35. Tee hee.

This is the most inviting room in the house. Literally.

Remember the fence shelf that I got from the Asiacraft Warehouse sale? I had it painted using chalkboard paint ( ordinary paint with grout). I am actually a bit disappointed with how it turned out. I thought the grout will make the color lighter. I also did not check if the paint that I bought was glossy. There was a chalkboard paint available but I opted to DIY it because the whole galloon costs 500 bucks. I only needed 1/5th of that amount. Anyhoo, the good thing is that the Aki can now draw on the sides of his toy shelf.

After the toy decluttering that I did last month, these are the only ones that I decided should stay. Some toys are in my in-laws. Some are in Aki’s 2nd playroom. The rest which are mostly age inappropriate are in the guest room.

Aki’s cutest baby onesies hang above the toy shelf.

Here are the native horsie horsies, more toys and Aki’s kiddie rocking chair with the monogram pillow that I made.

Aki’s Homemade Feelings Book

I have been told several times in the past  that I should consider going to theater because according to them, my face is very expressive. Well, that will never happen because one of my greatest fear is speaking in front of an audience.  But there is still hope for fame and fortune in Broadway because Aki seems to inherit my expressive gene. I just hope that he got his dad’s confidence.

Cover

Doing this project, made me realize how lucky I am to be Aki’s mom. He really is a happy baby. I could not find any picture of him angry or mad.  Based on my standards, he hasn’t had a full blown, body-flipping, toy-tossing. top-of-his-lungs wailing tantrum. Let’s hope he stays that way.

here are the many facial expressions of our beloved one

Surprised

Sleepy

Scared

Sad

Proud

Hurt

Happy

Frustrated

Excited

Curious

Cover

Personalized Father’s Day Board Book

Yey! Finally, after working on this project since the week before Mother’s Day, our Father’s Day gift is now here!

It may look simple but it really was a labor of love. First step was sorting thru the thousands and thousands of pictures since Aki’s birth. Then, I came up with the wordings which took me about a week. There is so many things I want to say but in the end I decided to go with what I think  our toddler would like to say  to his dad.  Taking cue from our Daddy and me boardbooks, I tried to use simple words we say everyday.  The next step was choosing pictures for each spread. Again, this was not easy because there were so many pictures to choose from. Because I have zero knowledge on how to arrange pictures, I availed the free lay out  service of the printing vendor.

Presenting, our 6 x 6, first of hopefully many family board books…

Front Cover

My favorite, the back cover

I love it when you make funny faces.

I love it when you give me tight hugs and pouty kisses

Thank you for the fun games we play

You make everyday a happy happy day!