So this is how it feels to miscarry

So this is how it feels to miscarry
So this is how it feels to say goodbye when you did not even had the chance to say hello
So this is how it feels to love someone whom you will never get to meet
So this is how it feels to try to cancel your hopes, dreams and plans
So this is how it feels to be deliriously happy and then be suddenly indescribably sad
So this is how it feels to prepare yourself for bad news but actually hearing it still  felt like a dementor attack
So this is how it feels to hold back the tears when your heart feels like exploding because the doctor still need to take some measurements, because you still need to wait for the report, because the cashier is 5 floors down
So this is how it feels to thank God profusely for granting your prayers and then weeks after desperately asking Him to make the pain more bearable
So this is how it feels to not want to and not know how to answer, “How are you?”

I am sorry, baby Emily.
If there is something I should not have done but did ,
If there is something I should have done that didn’t,
I am sorry.
I am so sorry.

I am sorry I will never get to hold you
I am sorry I will never get to see you coo, smile, laugh and say Mama for the first time
I am sorry I will never get to brush your hair  or see you blissfully get dizzy as you spin in your whirly twirly dress
I am sorry I will never get to bring you to our breakfast picnics at the church parking lot
I am sorry i will never get to read to you the not-your-ordinary princess books that I have been secretly collecting even before Dadoy and I planned to have another baby
I am sorry I will never get to look at the 2014 family Christmas photo and say, “She was still so small here”.
I am sorry I will never get to do the many things I was looking forward to us doing together

I say goodbye to documenting my growing belly and finally introducing you to the world
I say goodbye to the plans of dressing you up as baby Princess Leia on a boring day
I say goodbye to the bahay kubo where you were supposed to spend countless hours with your Ate Raya
I say goodbye to the hand sewn baby dresses and ruffled diaper covers that I was going to make for you
I say goodbye to making “Go Aki!” banners with you for Kuya Aki’s jujitsu competitions
I say goodbye to our first Divisoria trip together when you reach your tenth birthday
I say goodbye to the priceless expression on your face when I tell you that I got us tickets to the concert of your favorite boy band

I wish you had the chance to meet your daddy. He is playful but firm. He will annoy you for his own entertainment, teach you things that I do not approve of and scoop you up and hug you tight when you are feeling low.
I wish you had the chance to meet your Kuya Aki. He was so looking forward to meeting you. He will make you be-not-sad-anymore invisible popcorn whenever he sees that you need some cheering up.

Well at least now, I can go to Megamall and learn how to ice skate with Aki and not worry if I fall.
I can now have that Thai massage that my body has been begging for.
Now  I can run again. I surprised myself when I enjoyed my runs with Franco. Now we can run and run and run and not care.
At least now I don’t have to deal with the discomforts that come with pregnancy.
I won’t be a zombie again as I pacify with a crying infant at 2AM.
Whoever said changing soiled diapers is fun, must be mental.
Unsafe sharp corners, picky eating, public tanrums and terrible twos. I won’t have to go thru all those anymore.

My life will go back to normal

But normal is not what I want.

Goodbye my sweet little angel.  Goodbye.

————–

PS I wrote this the day after we found out.
I did not want to post this initially. I try to veer away from posts that are too personal or are too depressing. This post is both. But when it was most painful, what helped me was reading other women’s experiences about their own miscarriage. If you are a grieving mother-to-be, tight tight hugs to you. The pain will not be there forever.

And in case you are wondering, I am feeling better. Much better. Not okay but better than days ago. I actually had not cried for 2 days until my friend Cye asked me earlier, “How are you?”

Please include me in your prayers. I just want to move one with my life but I still have to go thru some lab tests and possibly some treatments related to the failed pregnancy.

🙂😦🙂😦

———————–

PS II

BIG BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO READ, PRAYED, COMMENTED, EMAILED, SENT MESSAGES VIA FACEBOOK  OR SMS, OR EVEN BAKED CUPCAKES TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. SUPER THANK YOU!

 

51 thoughts on “So this is how it feels to miscarry

  1. Maqui, I’m so sorry for your loss.
    I was teary eyed reading your entry, I will pray for you.

    Hang in there! I’m sure there’s a reason behind this.

    Love, Didi

  2. Oh, Maqui. I haven’t been here in a while. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there, our supposedly first baby. I understand what you’re going through. That indescribable feeling. Sending you hugs and prayers all the way from the North!

  3. chrissycaballero says:

    HI Maqui, I am so sorry for your loss😦 Sending whitelight your way. I was actually choking up while I was reading this a few minutes ago.. Hugs Maqui, big big hugs to you

  4. My dear Maqui, sending you prayers and light. I do not fully know or understand how you feel and the depth of your pain but please remember that God is always with you. Take care Maqui.

  5. edelweiza says:

    Cyber hugs to you, Maqui! I pray that God console and comfort you as much as He has consoled and comforted me and my husband. We share your loss. Our baby (supposedly first child) died due to complications four hours after he was born in September 2012. (We got married first quarter of 2012.) It was really painful but with faith and outpouring love from friends and family, we can always rise above ordeals like this.🙂

    • im sorry for your loss, edelweiza. I can’t imagine the grief that you went thru.
      thank you so much for the cyberhugs. really appreciate it. you are right, faith and outpouring love are just what we need to move on.🙂

  6. I can’t think of any words to console you, but I’m whispering a prayer and sending virtual hugs, and hope that these will suffice. Stay strong sis.

  7. Oh my. I didn’t expect to read this. You might not personally know me but know that I’m praying for you and your family. God loves you and He cares; I’m sure you already know that but I just want to remind you of HIs promises for you. Hugs!

  8. Au Reyes-Manalo says:

    oh, no… :’-( so sorry for your loss. Just think that you now have a direct line in heaven. You now have an angel watching over you and your family. *virtual hugs*

      • Au Reyes-Manalo says:

        I just came across this poem from one of my contacts in FB, I thought it’s very timely on what you and your family’s facing right now — “Daddy please don’t look so sad,mommy please don’t cry.
        Cause I’m in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
        please try not to question God, don’t think he is unkind.
        Don’t think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
        You see I’m a special child, I am needed up above.
        I’m the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
        I’ll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
        Look for the brightest star and know that’s my halo’s brilliant light.
        You’ll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
        When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
        Know that it’s me planting a kiss upon your nose.
        When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
        Don’t be sad mommy, that’s just me giving your heart a hug.
        So daddy don’t looks so sad and mommy please don’t cry.
        I’m in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!”

        **virtual hugs**

          • Au Reyes-Manalo says:

            I only got to read this part of your reply… SURE! i’d love to join one of your playdates…my daughter bash really needs to have some playmates of her age. nauubusan na kme sa haus ng ideas, hehe…Sorry, did i assume too much na sa playdates na kme makasama agad-agad? na-excite lang ako for her. Tsaka i’ve been your blog reader for almost 4 yrs.🙂

          • Hey Au!
            I was actually thinking more of playdate na tayong dalawa lang with our kids. What do you think? You have my email diba? Email me na lang yun preferred date mo🙂

  9. Maqui, your words captured everything… I can feel your sorrow and grief. And yes, you will be included in my prayers.

    Have faith. Things will get better soon.

  10. Hi Maqui. I’m sorry about the loss. I don’t know if you read my blog. I have a post there regarding my miscarriage. We, again, have the same story. I already have 2 adorable kids but I still grieve for our baby Santino. I’ll be praying for you, Franco, Kuya Aki and baby Emily. Hugs and prayers.

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