..in this family.
I have a recent realization. Thanks to Brooke Burkes. In an interview with Ladie’s Home Journal, Brooke said ” I am just as important as everyone else in this family” . She has a point. When I read that line, I told myself that I need to be the next Brooke. Haha.
Life went on. I forgot about that line. Then the craziness came. Then Aki was hospitalized. Then we were discharged. Then I went back to work.
Last Wednesday, I found myself crying the whole day. Actually, as soon as Nurse Jaypee, told Aki to take care of himself, I suddenly felt like crying. Maybe because I have been faking courage for several days. I can not show Aki that I am dying inside seeing him sick with a dextrose. The only time I had to have an IV was when I gave birth. Prior to that I was never confined in a hospital. I felt soooo guilty. It did no help that I was not exactly the best person to care for my boy as I just came from a 3-day flu.
I am normally a panicky person but when we got the postive dengue results up to the family picture we had outside Aki’s room before we left the hospital, I was surprisingly calm. I cry at the slightlest emotion, positive or negative. When Aki was in the hospital, I did not consciously hold back the tear. There were no tears. I tried to keep the mood inside the hospital room light and cheery.
However, as soon as we said good bye to the nurses, I started feeling overwhelmed. I should be happy but I was not. I cried a bit when we reached the parking lot. My oh so sweet husband started mocking me. He is sweet in his own annoying way. So after that short dramafest, no more tears again. I still was sad but not sad enough to cry.
It was when I returned to work that I got flooded with emotions. I felt guilty, overwhelmed, helpless, unappreciated, sad , pity for myself, you name it. I know I am stressed when I wake up at 3AM and can not stop thinking. That was the case since we left the hospital. I felt guilty for leaving Aki. If I were the one who sends him to school everyday, I would be able to tell him which potentially sick classmates to avoid. Or maybe, I could ensure that he always has anti mosquito lotion on him. As expected, I had hundreds of emails, 500 of them not including the announcements. I wanted to go home early but that was impossible, I felt guilty for the work that I passed on to Rosie. I felt terrible for not making sure that everything was taken cared of while I was on leave. Even if I could, I did not check my office emails while we were in the hospital because I did not want any additional stress. If I only did a quick scan, maybe there would be less follow ups. I was a walking emotional wreck. I felt like I were a terrible mother and even a worse employee. I tried to avoid anyone who might ask how I was. But when my kumarseng Ebbie cornered me and asked me to tell her what happened in the almost two weeks that I was out, hala! I cried and cried and cried. I think I cried inconsolably for 1.5 hour. I cried so much that I could not breathe anymore. Maybe that was just what I needed, a no-holds-bar good cry. I felt better, not good but still better, after that emo moment. Continue reading