So this is how it feels to miscarry

So this is how it feels to miscarry
So this is how it feels to say goodbye when you did not even had the chance to say hello
So this is how it feels to love someone whom you will never get to meet
So this is how it feels to try to cancel your hopes, dreams and plans
So this is how it feels to be deliriously happy and then be suddenly indescribably sad
So this is how it feels to prepare yourself for bad news but actually hearing it still  felt like a dementor attack
So this is how it feels to hold back the tears when your heart feels like exploding because the doctor still need to take some measurements, because you still need to wait for the report, because the cashier is 5 floors down
So this is how it feels to thank God profusely for granting your prayers and then weeks after desperately asking Him to make the pain more bearable
So this is how it feels to not want to and not know how to answer, “How are you?”

I am sorry, baby Emily.
If there is something I should not have done but did ,
If there is something I should have done that didn’t,
I am sorry.
I am so sorry.

I am sorry I will never get to hold you
I am sorry I will never get to see you coo, smile, laugh and say Mama for the first time
I am sorry I will never get to brush your hair  or see you blissfully get dizzy as you spin in your whirly twirly dress
I am sorry I will never get to bring you to our breakfast picnics at the church parking lot
I am sorry i will never get to read to you the not-your-ordinary princess books that I have been secretly collecting even before Dadoy and I planned to have another baby
I am sorry I will never get to look at the 2014 family Christmas photo and say, “She was still so small here”.
I am sorry I will never get to do the many things I was looking forward to us doing together

I say goodbye to documenting my growing belly and finally introducing you to the world
I say goodbye to the plans of dressing you up as baby Princess Leia on a boring day
I say goodbye to the bahay kubo where you were supposed to spend countless hours with your Ate Raya
I say goodbye to the hand sewn baby dresses and ruffled diaper covers that I was going to make for you
I say goodbye to making “Go Aki!” banners with you for Kuya Aki’s jujitsu competitions
I say goodbye to our first Divisoria trip together when you reach your tenth birthday
I say goodbye to the priceless expression on your face when I tell you that I got us tickets to the concert of your favorite boy band

I wish you had the chance to meet your daddy. He is playful but firm. He will annoy you for his own entertainment, teach you things that I do not approve of and scoop you up and hug you tight when you are feeling low.
I wish you had the chance to meet your Kuya Aki. He was so looking forward to meeting you. He will make you be-not-sad-anymore invisible popcorn whenever he sees that you need some cheering up.

Well at least now, I can go to Megamall and learn how to ice skate with Aki and not worry if I fall.
I can now have that Thai massage that my body has been begging for.
Now  I can run again. I surprised myself when I enjoyed my runs with Franco. Now we can run and run and run and not care.
At least now I don’t have to deal with the discomforts that come with pregnancy.
I won’t be a zombie again as I pacify with a crying infant at 2AM.
Whoever said changing soiled diapers is fun, must be mental.
Unsafe sharp corners, picky eating, public tanrums and terrible twos. I won’t have to go thru all those anymore.

My life will go back to normal

But normal is not what I want.

Goodbye my sweet little angel.  Goodbye.

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PS I wrote this the day after we found out.
I did not want to post this initially. I try to veer away from posts that are too personal or are too depressing. This post is both. But when it was most painful, what helped me was reading other women’s experiences about their own miscarriage. If you are a grieving mother-to-be, tight tight hugs to you. The pain will not be there forever.

And in case you are wondering, I am feeling better. Much better. Not okay but better than days ago. I actually had not cried for 2 days until my friend Cye asked me earlier, “How are you?”

Please include me in your prayers. I just want to move one with my life but I still have to go thru some lab tests and possibly some treatments related to the failed pregnancy.

:) :( :) :(

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PS II

BIG BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO READ, PRAYED, COMMENTED, EMAILED, SENT MESSAGES VIA FACEBOOK  OR SMS, OR EVEN BAKED CUPCAKES TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. SUPER THANK YOU!

 

Aki’s Summer Project: The Ice Candy Store

Ola!

Yes, I may have lost my blogging mojo but I am logged on to WordPress now because Aki’s summer project is just so cute not to share.

 

So tell me is this sooooo cute or is this so cuuuuuute?

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Honestly, if you assign a peso value to the effort in buying the ingredients, the creativity to come up with new flavors, the labor that we put it in to make these babies , and not to mention, the electricity and freezer space, the measly 20 bucks that we earn on a good day is not worth all the hassle. But, seeing Aki beaming with pride every time he makes a sale, is beyond priceless.

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Aside from the value of hardwork, we also hope that through this project, Aki will master addition and subtraction.

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Work Prayer

Hello!

 

I just want to share a prayer that I read recently. This year, my goal is to be more prayerful. Read here for my 2013 and 2012 goals. I just finished reading the Power of the Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. One of the prayers that I really liked is about work. Work can be a source of great stress or deep fulfillment. Hope this prayer will help you find the latter.

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My Four Year Old’s Favorite Books

Happy blogging anniversary to me!

Here are the books that my 4 year old is obssessed with. We, actually just him because I would rather read something else, can go read these books on and on and on and on.

My Puppy Is Born by Joanna Cole. We bought this book for only PhP5.00 at MCS Booksale. Aki’s evening prayer goes something like this. Thank you for giving Daddy Mxxxxxxx. Thank you for the special gift for Mummy’s office friends. Thank you for giving Ate a house. Please give my mummy a baby. Please give Tita Yana a baby. Please help the victims (of Typhoon Yolanda). Please make me a good and healthy boy. And (pause), give me a dog. Aaaaaa-men.

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And look what we saw on the last page. The previous owner of this book was a girl named Emily. It is a sign.
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Tacky and the Winter Games by Helen Lester.  Also got this for 5 pesos! It’s brand new by the way (san ka pa!).  We love the Tacky series. Tacky is an unconventional penguin. While his peers are very formal and conforming, Tacky is unique, clumsy and adorable in his own way. This is a great book to teach kids to love their own individuality.

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Shopping Guides from Toy Stores. Aki can spend countless hours daydreaming about the toys that he want. He even has this close-your-eyes-and-let-your-finger-show-you-which-toy-you’ll-give-me(as he directs my finger to his dream Beadman toy) game. Am just thankful that he is contented with just looking at the pictures. When we go to toy stores, he does not even us ask to buy him anything.

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Winnie the Witch by Korky Paul and Valerie Thomas. This is one book that I have been waiting to hit the Booksale shelves for months. Winnie loves her black cat so much but is having a hard time seeing him because her whole house is also black. She uses her magic to solve her problems. And just when she thought her problem is behind her, she has to come up with another solution again. The small details in the illustrations make this book a feast for the eyes.
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What are You Thankful for Today?

We had the most wonderful time when we visited Pepper, Mark and A at their beautiful cozy home. We were only supposed to pick up the little something Pepper made for me but we ended up chatting and eating for what felt like hours. It is refreshing to spend an afternoon with another couple for a change. Franco was not his usual KJ self because he and Mark had been friends even before we got married. It was also great to not mind the kids who were busy playing.

Here is the ballerina doctor taking Aki’s blood pressure. Hehe. After that short doctor doctor game, they spent the rest of the afternoon pillow fighting.

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Here is the little gift from Pepper.
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The Unappreciated DIY Viking Costume

Happy Halloween!

Hehe. Had I shared this entry 4 months ago, I would have started it with I am so excited to share blah blah but since we all know that this post is soo late, let me just say I hope someone finds this post helpful 8 months from now.

As early as summer last year, Aki kept bugging me about his Halloween costume. He had been watching How to Train Your Dragon. We have seen it for at least 20 times. I will complain once my eyeballs have fallen off from my eyesockets but for now, I can honestly say that I love this movie! And we are oh so excited for the release of HTTYD II this June. If you have not seen this movie, head to the nearest video store and get yourself a copy. Now! It is one of those rare movies that everyone in the family, regardless if you are 3 or 33, will enjoy.

And it is because of this movie that Aki wanted to be a dragon for Halloween. And not just any ordinary dragon, he wanted a 4-headed dragon costume! After much negotiations, we agreed to have a viking costume instead. Sometimes he looked at his viking costume with the same this-is-sooo-lame irritated expression that we see in teenagers. At some point, I wanted to make him a dragon katol (Franco’s idea not mine) to irritate him more.

My super excited viking..
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Don’t move smile for Mummy….
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Isn’t motherhood the most rewarding profession? He only stopped complaining when I told him that he’s hurting my feelings. Continue reading

In other kitchen news….

Some things that I am loving in my kitchen/dining area

Oolong tea leaves. We make tea at least twice a day.
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There is no more space in my bookshelf for my cookbook collection so I transferred the books to the hangging shelves in the kitchen.

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Most of these books are from, can you guess , can you guess, Booksale of course! Some books, I got for as low as 10 pesosesoses.
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My napkin holder from Ikea. Doesn’t it look like it belongs to some modern art museum? Thanks, Mae for this gift!
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Homemade fruit jams by Ate Doring
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What’s Cooking? What’s Blanching?

Once I have the time, I will blog about these dishes that I whipped up in my kitchen

Crepe with Cookie Butter filling. I have a good excuse for the green color. I did not want to go out just to get the 2 tablespoons of butter for this recipe. The closest that I had to butter was buttercream frosting from Aki’s dinosaur cake.And that black thing is not bagoong. That is ganache from Franco’s birthday cake last August. Please don’t judge me for making the most out of our leftovers :P
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Chelsea’s Graham Balls.

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My Perfect Chocolate Chip Cookies

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Poached Fish. Since we are pretending to watch our weight, I have been trying out new ways to cook.

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Here is something from our pre-diet days — Philly Cheesesteak. We are now fans of caramelized onions.

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Speaking of healthy, I would like to share a cooking method that I discovered lately — Blanching. There are so many reasons why you should try blanching. It is fast and easy. It preserves the flavor, texture and nutrients. I learned from a very reliable source, the home TV shopping channel, that when you boil your veggies, the nutrients are transferred to the water. If you want to get all the nutrients, you have to eat the veggie and drink all of the soup. When veggies are overcooked, their nutritional value also diminishes. Continue reading

Tomato Sauce from Scratch

Speaking of church, check out my latest finds from the fruit and veggie section of our parish Sunday market:

Malunggat Fruit, Sigarilyas and Olokon

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My favorite find though are these oh so cute native tomatoes. They only cost 40 pesos per kilo. Don’t they look like little pumpkins? They are tastier and juicier than the usual tomato.

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Using these babies, I made pasta sauce from scratch

It was so good that I only remembered to take a picture when there were only a few spoonfuls left.

It was so good that I only remembered to take a picture when there were only a few spoonfuls left.

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